Daily writing prompt

What’s a chapter of your life you’d title “The Hard Years” — and what got you through it?

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My “difficult” period began in 2008 and I don’t think it’s over yet or will ever end. It started with this repressed “part” inside me that was clearly fed up with trying to conform to societal expectations of who I should be and what I should do, so something inside me (or simply my true “self” – my soul) just decided to switching off my people-pleasing behavior.

This wasn’t just an unpleasant “event”, but the beginning of a profound transformation of my identity that set me on a path of self-awareness and authenticity. And I met many other travelers along the way, as well as helping professionals or just volunteers who gave me so much at different stages of my journey. It was exciting, often painful, exhausting, but also fulfilling for many years. I am grateful for all these experiences and insights. Thank you, people, wherever you are.

But what I didn’t expect was the fact that it was becoming increasingly difficult for me to connect with other people. For a social being like me, it was really shocking – sometimes I just craved human connection and there was no one to connect with. It wasn’t for a lack of people around me – there was always a quantity. But the missing piece was the authenticity of the connection itself. I apply to connect with who they are, but some are simply afraid, others respond by trying to connect with the role they have projected onto me in their lives: lover, husband, partner, father, provider, savior and many other unconscious roles projected onto me.

The real disappointment came from people who acted authentically, talked about authenticity, but when it came to a relationship, they just jumped into some classic stereotype and expectations of who I should be, what I should do and what our relationship should look like immediately appeared. Because authenticity is a good thing, but it doesn’t end with “I am who I am, and I will do what I want” when it comes to interacting with another person or people. Yes, the truth is the foundation – being yourself, acting like yourself is what we call authenticity. But there is also a second component when it comes to relationships with another being, and it is called alignment.

Especially if you care about that other person and value their authenticity. Then why do you, the authentic person, expect the other person to start obeying your expectations about their role or the script of your relationship? Is this an authentic relationship in such a case? No, it is not.

Truly authentic people should build their relationship together by being aware of their own feelings, thoughts, sensations and sharing openly with their partner. And this is their main task together – building an authentic connection between them. I would say this is the next level of authenticity – most of us can only be authentic on our own until we get into a relationship, and then our unconscious stereotypes kick in and start to guide us, even if we think we are already conscious individuals. Especially when emotions draw us to another person, which is the case in most scenarios where we connect through our unconscious traumas.

Authentic relationships, in my opinion, do not start with such intense emotions. They start precisely with the feeling that you are not limited in the presence of this person. You are not trying to play a role with them. You can share your feelings, thoughts and sensations without fear of being hurt in any way because of it.

There are many teachings on how to be yourself (some of them are of course dogmatic), but no one can teach you how to build authentic relationships – it is between you and the other and your own authenticity is the foundation, but it is not enough. There also needs to be a match in values, lifestyle, or maybe a vision of direction in life – I don’t know, different things are important to each of us. But I do know that there needs to be alignment with the other person. Not sameness. Alignment.

I still stress new people in my life with this question: How do you envision our relationship?

And often my answer to this same question when I meet someone new is, “I like you for who you are, but I don’t envision a relationship between us.”