As a kid I must have been obsessed with the idea to impress. I didn’t realize it, but I was a shy guy and somehow I must have come to the conclusion that in order to impress others I had to please them in a way. Which is actually the exact opposite of what begets respect. But who can tell me? In my family, it was not customary to talk directly about how we felt or about our desires. Even about needs, it was not so easy – communication was rather implicit – I had to somehow emphasize my respective need, to make it obvious to my parents, so that they could notice, pay attention to and eventually satisfy it. Not as I wanted usually, but as they considered right. That’s why when I wanted them to buy me a cassette player, I got a gramophone. It’s not a big drama – that’s why there are psychologists and therapists – to help us heal our childhood traumas, right ?

My initial goal wasn’t to talk about trauma at all. What I would like to talk about was that all the work on oneself, self-knowledge, personal development has one limitation, and it is that in relationships with others, access to their resources depends on their permission. Please read it again, especially if you are disappointed with someone at this moment.

And when I’m talking about resources, I don’t just mean someone else’s time, money, efforts or body, but also their thoughts, feelings, and desire for closeness, including their ability to love.And in our crazy world, this access is often traded in all sorts of unimaginable and unconscious ways. For example, if you don’t have money, you don’t have access to a large portion of the women in the world, because they curently have set the requirement for the man to be rich as the key to the door to them. But the key may not only be money – it may be the requirement to be attractive or sexy (most men expect that from the women in opposition) or at least not having a big belly (how are you, guys 😉 ). Maybe to be a citizen of a certain country. Specific religion. And most often the key is hold into the requirement to fulfill others expectations without protest. And not only to fulfill them, but also to guess them beforehand. Because in today’s fast food world, we also have a fast separation, much faster than our coming together. If you don’t please me – the door is over there – get out before you come in.

How do I know ? Personal experience, of course. Unfortunately. And all these disappointed people I meet all the time.Even angry at the other person because “they did not act according to my expectations and I blame them about that”. No one speaks like that, but it is exactly how they feel. As if someone is obligated to meet your expectations, pardon me.

Letting someone into your inner world usually happens slowly and takes time, but in this fast-paced world people say they don’t have time when – to be honest – no one has the patience for closeness to unfold. And I claim that’s the most seious reason that prevailing relationships to start transactional – you swipe left or right on someone’s fate, including yours, with a simple gesture on your phone screen. It’s like choosing a toaster from an online store. Commodified people are sold by the pound. Lighter ones sell better. And if you think well, everyone does it nowadays… maybe it is not actually true, but if you like it, do what “everyone else” is doing and hope that at some point it makes you happy.

The truth is, to become part of someone’s inner circle, to gain access, there are only three options:

1. Being introduced by a mutual acquaintance – this is the fastest way access to be granted to you;
2. Showing up day after day, at the same place, being yourself, making your consistency visible – this is the slowest way access to be granted to;
3. Showing a ownership or mastery in something that makes you suitable – this is how you get in through the role or ability, not for who you are.

But there are people who won’t grant you access, no matter who you are, what you have, or what you do. And that’s perfectly normal, because no one is obligated to. Here’s your limitation – you can’t improve yourself enough that the person you want, but they don’t want you, will give you access to their inner world. No. Nada! And think about whether, if you have to change to be liked by someone, do they actually like you.

So, can you acept the fact that when you’re not in the inner circle, you’re treated politely at best, but it’s still a transaction, not a connection ?

That’s how I finally realized that as a child I wasn’t obsessed with the need to impress, but simply sought access to the inner circle of someone important to me. Hoping to deserve her unconditional love, which she herself had locked away because of her own pain. And his approval of what I was doing because he was easily irritated.

Thank you, Mom and Dad. For my existence! I understand your pain, but you are the big ones and I am the little one. And as a sign of respect, I return the pain I carried for you, hoping to help make your burden lighter in this way.

P.S. It is dedicated to all the girls who are looking for their father in their men. And to all that boys which look for their mothers in their women.