It’s my fault. Yes. And let me explain. First, I feel guilty when I procrastinate. Because my nature is to strive for results. Results are the only outcome I accept, no matter what I do. People who know me will probably complain about me in that way. Or not – I don’t know. But this is my core value in work.

So why does this lead to procrastination at the same time? Well, because I have to be perfect. Life today offers an unlimited amount of options. And the problem that this abundance causes is an increased feeling of dissatisfaction with our choices.

So… I just postpone the choice. Because if I make a choice, whatever it is, the feeling that I might be wrong and that I might end up dissatisfied because my conscience is gnawing at me that there are better options, it doesn’t give me peace of mind.

It seems that my mind has decided that it is better not to choose than to turn out that my choice was wrong. At first glance, it looks like FOMO (fear of missing out). You know – the grass is greener on the other side, etc. And I felt trapped in this trap for a long time thinking it was FOMO (fear of missing out). Until I realized that…

… for me, it’s about over-responsibility. Yes, responsibility. Remember how I’m focused on the outcome, right? What do you think will happen if I make my choice and it doesn’t work out? Failure. You’re right. That’s my perception of the situation. It’s not just an experiment, a test, or whatever it is that many people are trying to convince me of. It’s pure failure – I chose and I failed. I chose the wrong wife. The wrong job. The wrong red pill instead of the blue pill. So I AM A FAILURE! The all-encompassing sense of doom? Forever. I lived in this nightmare for a very long time.

Before I realized that I had a choice, and it was to make a new choice. It’s that simple. But the reason it took me so long to realize this turned out to be another layer underneath: responsibility. Yes, responsibility – it seems that when I structure something that could be called a solution or a product, given our current interpretation of what we call a product, and that product does not deliver the expected RESULT for the customer, I accept it as my failure. It doesn’t matter if that customer even cared what they buy, understands the product, if they used the instructions, or even if they used the product itself. I am obsessed with results, so the metric for me turned out to be simple – is there a result for the customer – if the answer is no, then it’s a failure of the PRODUCT which meand I failed. I have taken full responsibility for the lack of result for the customer and am mired in endless attempts to create the perfect product that always guarantees success for every customer. This is called utopia, but in my case it seems more like inadequately taking on someone else’s responsibility.

Guess whose, by the way? Who held me accountable for every mistake when I was little? Who punished me when they were annoyed by what I did? Who expects me to act like an adult at 2 years old? And after all, who hasn’t taken responsibility for their own emotions and held me responsible for theirs, blaming me for making them angry, irritated, or disappointed?

Disappointment is probably the deepest layer here. They had expectations for me. They never shared them openly with me. But when I didn’t meet them, they blamed me. By blaming me like that, no matter what I do, it’s still wrong. How convenient. And so irresponsible.

To burden your child with your own dissatisfaction with life. But I loved them, so I attempted to realign.

This seems to be the reason why I don’t respect any authority, because I only expect from them attempts to shift their responsibilities onto me, which I no longer want to bear for them. So I overcome my fear of authority just learning to set boundaries and say NO.