Daily writing prompt

What is something you wish you could tell your 20-year-old self?

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Something is constantly emerging in my inner world, so I like to participate in holistic and psychological events – groups, retreats, trainings. The thing that many people are afraid of is some kind of comfort zone for me or maybe I’m addicted to pain 🤔

However, a few days ago I found a place in Asia that caught my attention, so I filled out an application form. Two days later, a person with the title “Dr.” in front of his name contacted me with questions, then sent me more information and asked me to confirm whether I should continue the application process. The place promised therapy in group and individual sessions, with accommodation in wonderful conditions and accompanying social activities. Impresive list of well graduated experts. But… I felt that something was bothering me, without being able to say what exactly, so the next day I wrote “Thanks, but I don’t feel it. I’m probably looking for something more intense” and He asked me what, for example. I gave them an example of another place I’ve been. And their reaction then was surprising. With demonstrative disregard in one sentence, the “doctor” attempted to devalue the place itself and tried to insinuate into me an inability to make an adequate judgment, so I choose based on the price (theirs was higher). Which made my choice obvious, but I also realized a few things:

1. It doesn’t matter if you have a PhD in clinical psychology, if the moment you don’t get chosen you try to hurt the chooser as a form of revenge. It shows that you are trying to “help” others before you have learned your own lessons, and it strongly questions what you are selling me, because seems it is not therapy, but access to yourself as a luminary with an academic title.
2. What has bothered me from the beginning is the asymmetric application process to be allowed into this place. These people have positioned themselves as some kind of elitist organization, and they are selling access to this space with the implication that it is not for everyone. They put themselves in the position of the selecting authority who can and cannot be admitted, which allows them to set high prices, creating an artificial scarcity as a motive for buying and at the same time the fear of being humiliated if you dare to comment.
3. By refusing to participate in this theater, I have clearly reversed the selection process, and the man who considers himself an undisputed authority has felt obliged to try to restore his position by trying to humiliate me through his arrogance (the very proof that he considers himself above me).
4. The reaction itself made my decision easier and gave me an explanation of what was bothering me – this place doesn’t sell psychotherapy, it sells membership to an elite club – and showed me the level of awareness of the people who were supposed to be treating me. I definitely wouldn’t trust someone who hasn’t solved their own anger or irritation problems to help me realize and release mine 😉

However, this whole incident took me back to my childhood, when I similarly provoked – indeed not intentionally – a variety of people who proclaimed themselves authorities over me – starting with my parents, grandparents and other adults and continuing to teachers, administrators of all kinds, and even some of the women I had a relationship with.

When I was young and inexperienced, I took such a reaction as a signal that something was wrong with me, and I felt ashamed, I shrank, and even felt self-pitty. Because when someone lashes out at you or uses venomous language to hurt you on a being level, not just an action level, they are attacking who you are, not what you do, imposing you that you are incapable by default. And then I thought that there must be something wrong with me, because I just said what I think, but these people are scolding me and trying to make me feel small – so I must be doing something wrong and I don’t even know where.

This is exactly the type of behavior of people for whom it was most important to defend their self-imposed or role imposed position as authorities, and I provoked them with my direct statements, feeling threatened to the point of losing this authority, and it was not at all about whether I was capable of perception, independent judgment or making choices, but about protecting their own ego positioning and their deep sense of insecurity, which was based solely on people like me obeying them instead of having an opinion.

So… what I would like to say to that 20-year-old me would be… “listen, those who get irritated and angry by the things you say are not necessarily right and don’t know something that you don’t – it’s just important to them to feel more important than you, they build their authority on you obeying them unconditionally and you are threatening their fragile and insecure position. They want you to choose their needs before yours. So choose yourslef, go ahead and don’t care – you don’t depend on them, they depend on you and they won’t give up without a fight, they will probably try to get back at you sometimes, but you don’t have to get attached to them – just turn your back on them and continue where you decided to go. You don’t have to play their game.”

What about you, guys ? How do you react when someone chooses themselves over you?