If you think that is a question relevant only to people who lack self-confidence… well, think again.

Because it is not about self-confidence, but mostly about self-worth, which is different concept. Self-confidence is mostly about doing and external achievements. Self-worth is about your internal feeling of your own value. And the sense of not being enough is additionally related to our comparision to others too.

But first things first – the sense of not being enough is mostly obtained during age between 14-21, when our mental development is on focus. And guess what: you are a teenager at the beginning of this period, which by nature is attempting to rebel toward parents. If this succeeds – OK, but if not, because your parents are quite strict and controlling, imposing their authority over you all the time, then you are actually screwed up and start shrinking. And the level of your shrinking actually determines your “rights”: do you have the right to have your own opinion, do you have the right to have your own demands ? What happens if you express your thoughts, wishes, dreams or wants ? If you had quite rigorous father like mine, or strictly controlling mother like mine, maybe you can learn, that you do not have to ask even, because “they know better what and when you need”, so you have just to be more “nice”, which means to keep your mouth shut ! “I have to be subordinate!”- this is the ultimate insight. And this is how the nice guy archetype becomes more appropriate – I have just to keep being good child and they will keep providing for me. This is just the fear of authority. If I do not receive, then seems I am not good enough, so I have to improve myself. Because seems I’m forbidden to talk about money for example: they even shame me if I ask, becoming nervous if I say what I want, or ignore my hint at a desire. Мy father just gets extremely angry when I do not obey his opinion. My mother does not approve of any financial wish that is not extremely well-reasoned logically, which feels humiliating as an experience.

But this is not the full story. You have all these class mates too and team mates if you participate in some sport teams or clubs and all you do during this age is comparing with each other. Who made what, who has what, who IS what. And when you compare yourself to people that you probably admire and especially if you are idealising someone whom you like – because this is the time for first love too – it is easy to make bad self-worth conclusion: that you are not wothy of belonging in this “elite squad”, because you are not good enough. This is the rational that your developing mind deceived you to adopt, because in other case you have to admit your fear to confront the person who is gatekeeper to what you want and to survive the embarrassment to be rejected or humiliated publicly, which even sounds like hell. And guess what: this is just because you unconsciously thransfered the expected behavior of your same sex parent toward that idealised person and you expect the same reaction from them, if you ask them about what you want from them. Did you attempted to convince someone logically that you love her ? Ok, I did – it does not work 😉

You put them in the shoes of authority for yourself, like you did with your dominant parent. Because you were already suppressed and reduced at home, remember? Tricky, mm ? And unless you’re bipolar it is extremely hard to feel worthy and demanding outside, when you do not feel worthy at home, so you are attempting to shrink and outside too. Or if you don’t, then you have to feel guilty, like if you are cheating these people outside for your worth. At the end you internalized at home the idea that you are small and have to keep being small and subordinate to authorities, which surprisigly wear some qualities of your dominating parent.

So, if we take a look under that “Am I good enough to be paid” question, it is actually not about payment at all, but about receiving at all and about your self-worth at the end. The real question is do you expect to be given what you want if you just ask ? And the ultimate question is do you deserve to receive what you want ? Because seems your unconscious programming sits over the false belief that you are not good enough, because they do not give you what you want, even if they promised to. Asking and explaining what you really want was just forbiden to you. It’s called neglect and leads to the feeling that you lack worth for them, if they do not care about your wishes.

Well, now imagine you are a startup founder, with good idea which you already developed as product and… you are just postponing market launch. Why ? Because your product is not good enough, right? Who said that, I ask ? And maybe here is the reason, which is not true: how can something made by person who is not good enough to be good enough itself ? You catch the idea, right ?

The truth is that you are more than enough to be paid. Just because you are human. And being human is enough to deserve to receive not only money, but whatever you want. Especially in such a society as ours, where exchange is the prevailing foundation in our interactions. So the question you can ask yourself then is: how much am I worth ? And I am sure if you understand your real value you will increase your price. At least because these early experiences of yours made you perfectionist and if you take a look around yourself, you will see that you do your work very precisely, comparing to others. And the only person that still finds flaws in it is you yourself. Just because you internalized this external authority from your childhood.

But, the question of price is another beer – we will talk about that next time.