“I have a resistance to saying yes to you. I don’t want to do it, I’ll force myself because that’s you. But I have a strong NO feeling.” That was my response to my friend today, answering her question, “Will you translate this for me?” It wasn’t just a sentence or two. And I’m not a professional translator.

I know she won’t read this because she doesn’t speak English.

But I still wonder if I’m right or not. In general. It always happens when I let someone closer to me. I usually call these people friends and sooner or later they start asking for favors. Small ones at first. Then bigger ones and more often. And then start taking me for granted. Apparently they don’t realize. I’m doing it because I consider them friends. That’s how I express my love for them. Yes, I have this Chapman’s love language – acts of service.

But I’m starting to feel disappointed and close myself off to them. The end of this relationship is predetermined and I usually already know that they will leave.

Because I don’t ask them for any favors. There is no reciprocity in such exchange. As Bert Hellinger says, if there is an imbalance in giving and receiving, the person who receives more leaves.

I wonder what friendship means then? Shouldn’t friends share a common interest, a common outlook on life? Is friendship built on doing favors? Free services, helping the other person with their problems? I don’t think so. Then why are we friends if I take care about you?

What I expect from my friends are deep, honest conversations. Sometimes they may need emotional support. Other times I may need that. I may just be feeling down and need a kick in the ass to get myself together. But asking for free favors for myself… No, something in me doesn’t feel it right. I’m sorry.

Am I wrong? Is this why I have so few real friends? Maybe they’re the people who don’t want me to do things for them. They don’t make me feel used. The real thing is that they do not push me to show my love to them. I act when I feel it. I don’t act when somebody else wants. That seems to be the recipe for long-term friendship for me.

Friends are the people who support me to do things myself and in my own way. They do not do free services for me.

This reminds me for Ajita’s post People Only Call When They Need Something. Someone once said that if you are useful, people will use you. Sad truth, huh?

But those are not friends. Those are users. And they just have to be charged by me.